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Okay I know you may not read this but it seriously pisses me off when someone tries to tell me what to do to. Like get “A LIFE AND FIND SOMEONE WHO CARES!” I know some things have changed but it’s not like anyone reads this blog anyways. bye bye sucka. 


Okay so this is kinda of weird. I asked my cat “how can you be someone that your not?” I swear she just looked at me like I was dumb. But then again I sat here and thought, if I wanted to be someone, I would’ve been there by now. But the things is, is when your surrounded by people or family members who are more successful than you it gets difficult. I mean I thought it would be just easy, yeah you fall in love but I though it would be just as easy to fall out of love than it is to fall in love. I guess I learned that lesson the hard way. It doesn’t really matter who or what you want to be just as long as you know that you have the power to I mean sometimes I would just sit in my room and just cry for hours on end. I would just think I’m worthless because I never fullfilled the dreams of my mother. I mean am I a failure for listening to other people? I mean I may not or I may be, a writer but I’ve never really been brave enough to express my feelings, am I just to scared because of the past? I mean I wouldn’t blame myself, I used to be called ugly, worthless, I used to be told that I would be nothing without you because I depended on you. But sometimes I guess you just have to finally learn to let go and just realize that there’s more out there than just that one person. I mean I thought I found him, but then again I was wrong. Who knows maybe I’ll be single for the rest of my life. But that doesn’t stop me from being who I want to be. Yeah I may be drunk typing this right now, but at least I’m getting out my feelings in writing instead of venting to someone. I mean I thought I had friends that would listen and would give me advice, but that turned out to be a bust. I guess sometimes I just wish I could have at least one friend that would know what I’m going through and would help me through this but I don’t. Yeah it does suck being alone all the time but then again I brought that onto myself because I’m a quiet person. But I guess that’s just what I get for believing. Expressing feelings like, sadness, guilt, depression, loneliness, worthlessness, and just being sad. I never really realized that I could be this lonely because I always thought I had it all. But I don’t. I’ve lost the people that were the closest to me and I’ve lost everything that I thought was valuable. I guess just being alone all the damn time takes you to a place where you don’t want to be. I just have to live with that because I know I will never live up to the expectations of my mom. And I know I will never be the role model that I’m supposed to be. It’s like no matter how hard I try, I’m never good enough and I never get anywhere. So the question that I ask is, “Would you still believe in me even though I was never really here?”

She just sat on the floor and cried/About the person that never cared/About the person that hated her/About the person that lied to her/About the person that hurt her/About the person she loved/She just sat on the floor and cried/About you.

One cut, two cuts, three cuts short, before I can leave my mind for good. One pill, two pills, three pills more so I can get the body to die for. One meal, two meals, three meals skipped, it doesn’t matter if they see my ribs. 

One harm, one kill, one purge ‘til I get the me society wants me to be. 

You are like a drug to me. So bad for me, so addicting. I feel myself constantly thinking, changing myself. Changing ways I can fit perfect for you. Is this annoying you? Is that making you leave? I’m addicted to you, I need you. But when will I overdose?

When can I pass out and die? When will they cleanse me out, cleanse me of you? When will I stop being addicted, when will I stop needing you, because you cause me grief. Because I feel like I’ll be dead with or without you. But I don’t want to need you anymore. 

So tell me, when will I overdose?

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. 

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